Four minutes until I can fart!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
