i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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