I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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