Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
