ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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