I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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