i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
