Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
