how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
