She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I love you. Go after that dick
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
