Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
