Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
