I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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