Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
