So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
