Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
