So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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