So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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