They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
