1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
