i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
