Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Terrible idea I love it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
