He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
