I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
