I feel like abortions should bother me more
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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