you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
