I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
