Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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