I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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