After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
