My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
