peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
