My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
