i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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