Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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