Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
