I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
