And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
