Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
