I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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