She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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