At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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