I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
