Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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