I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
