Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
