Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
