There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
