oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
