HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
