i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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