i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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